SLAVE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING

Book Info
MUMU
Ivan Turgenev

Intro of the book about slave

Only the person who gets their own independence in life can have a genuine relationship.

Everyone who thinks by themselves can’t have an independent life zone whether that is economic or psychological aspects.
Those who know about the real pain by living independently as a side effect.
Actually, everyone lives on earth as a human being.

There is a book titled [Emotion Class] by Shinju Kang, a very famous philosopher in Korea
That is about a book that allocated each chapter of the book based on 48 types of emotions by Spinoza’s theory.
In each chapter, one book is recommended as a proper book to explain a specific emotion in each chapter.
Ivan Turgenev’s book is recommended for a chapter [Abjection]
Especially, this book is mentioned in his lectures many times when he wants to emphasize about the power of subjective life.
Slave is the person who isn’t qualified to get any own things so we should fight against to get real freedom and independence in our life.
I knew the book well from his explanation. So I didn’t feel much attraction of the chapter title [Abjection]
However, that book is my first priority in my life because of two main keywords [slave] and [independence].
I didn’t read about that book at all but I thought I had been living like slave myself for long years.
I couldn’t achieve the independent condition in my life style aspect, So I felt stress a lot not to do that well by myself.
So I thought usually I have to read that book whenever.
Finally when I found that book, I finished that before I drank all of coffee in the day.

When I couldn’t protect precious person. Finally, finished to sustain a relationship because of that from my side.
Love wasn’t an important matter at that time. I was full of genuine quality of love in the past.
Wanted to protect my one as a man of this kind of tough society but practically it was tough to live every single day.
Even though my social goal was very simple since I joined to university. That is getting 100% independent economically.
Always felt damage in my self-confidence when I got the pocket money from mom in a university life.
I got 70% tuition fee scholarship most of the time but that wasn’t suitable amount for the size of my desire.
Besides my dream at the time was to become a professor in my major.
That was non-sense with my life direction but I didn’t realize that in that time.
As most people know, that dream is almost impossible despite I can get full funding for long years.
By those reasons, the word [economic independence] was like a magic spell to me.
It makes me happy by speaking that word one or twice.
I read that book when I felt thirsty about economic independence the most.
There are lot of things to do after achieving independence but I couldn’t.
That was my timing to read that book.

Like my painful thought, the fact I was slave, right. the fact I couldn’t ahieve my goal, that is also right.
There wasn’t existed hole to escape from cold life moment.
I was just weak to have my own something like hero in that book.
Until that time, I didn’t lie at all about my life. Tried to face to my painful moment in the front side.
Always tried something new than just ran away.
I can tell that undoubtedly sustained my life direction at least more than 10 years since I was a freshman.
Didn’t I have qualification to get that?
Wasn’t that a thing I hadn’t have hope?
Should I put down my desire because final result was fixed as lose again?
Swore myself not gonna try to have anything until I acheived my dream but felt lonely many times on midnight.
Want to see precious people and spend nice time with them. But all things were looked as a thing to spend money.
Is that really right? Ignoring my precious life value until I will achieve my goal?
Can’t I have anything until I wil become the person who doesn’t need to be taken by getting suitable power?

No was an answer in my body and brain.
But I think those kinds of questions will follow my back until I will solve the problem.
Besides, sometimes I feel fatigue to do it again as time goes later especially when my goal looks so far away from present.
Now I live alone without anyone for 2 years about.
Like my period as a solo, I feel heart beat under small kind gesture from anyone.
So I chose to do together slowly between caring each other with precious group and struggling for my goal.
By doing so, want to walk sustaininably for growth by meeting with nice new people.
I want to change me on and on with this way.
Like I failed to my goal, want to troubleshoot and go further for my goal.
It wasn’t my intend but I got used to endure lonely moment myself. I learned when I got a scholarship on and on in an university.
However, I don’t want to isolate myself to have distance with another one to achieve my goal no more.
Even though I couldn’t protect anybody like my past love.
So I will choose another way of approaching. Find my people group and will grow together.
That makes me a person who can achieve my goal properly for future.

In that novel Mumu, hero doesn’t have offensive attitude at all.
Just have a affectionate target in long lonely life.
He didn’t love many things. Just pour his love purely because he doesn’t have many experience to love something.
That was all but sadly, lost it too easily.
I don’t want to blame it is because slave doesn’t have suitable power.
However, I think I never forget his empty heart when he lost all.
It was tough moment to see his final footstep after facing empty result.

I realized I can’t give up my desire to get independence until I will succeed.
Even though it looks far still but I can’t imagine to change my direction.
Rather, I choose to face to the fact I don’t succeed my goal still.
Also will accept the fact my age is older and older.
I can face to the failure in the final moment, but never want to give up in the middle of walking forward my goal.
Still finding details for doing it but blurr now.
However, at least I have confidence to meet die in the middle of struggling for my achievement.
My present is still weak, actually miserable.
I repeated these kinds of swear one and two years ago.
But I will make a chance to get over this situation.
I will pray for myself not sitting down just because of light level of hardship.

The original definition of drinking desire in the book: Slave mindset that should be overcome to become an owner of our life
20th Aug 2020. (After reading this chapter, re-definition): Nothing. I agree with the author’s opinion.